i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
