If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
