This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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