god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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