Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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