I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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