Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
