things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
