i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
