***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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