you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize