Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
