chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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