This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
