god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
