my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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