i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
