I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
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