1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize