no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
