At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
