So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
