He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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