I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
