There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
