i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
