I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
