I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize