he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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