Michael Bay diarrhea
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
