so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
