Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
