So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
