Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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