I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
