I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
