then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
