The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize