clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
