I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
