my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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