Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize