his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize