all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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