hotel room ftw
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
