I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
