You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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