According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
