could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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