you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
