So drunk its hurt
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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