this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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