i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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