I am in a vortex of obligation.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
