i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Hippo gnu deer
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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