I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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