I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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