my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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